Psyching myself out, one day at a time...

I want to be healthier, I need to lose weight for health reasons. But, my constant self-sabotage gets the best of me. Sometimes I don't know what to do and it just so frustrating and disappointing. I need to make a plan and really stick with it. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to lose 100lbs by the new year, but first I want to get under 200lbs by my birthday. Aug. 13th. Which is completely doable in a healthy and sustainable way.

SW: 271

CW: 252lbs

Going back a little will help us figure out why I keep psyching my self out NOW. Pre-Covid I had lost about 40-45lbs. I started losing weight mid 2019 and right in the beginning of lock I was at my lowest weight of 225lbs. I felt great mentally and physically, could fit into clothes I never had before and I was really proud of the progress I was making. I was taking strength and cycling classes at my gym and could feel myself getting stronger all the time.

Once lockdown happened I hadn't actually gained a whole lot of weight until maybe July or August. Nothing was open and that included the gyms here in NY. The gyms closing was really hard, I love the gym, I am proud gym rat. I didn't have any really equipment at home and at first I would workout regularly with what ever I had. I went out and bought some kettle bells, those stretchy bands and bands you put around your legs and a couple of hand weights. This was all before all that shit ran out at the stores. I was ahead of the game lol. I would use all that stuff as best as I could and follow some work out of my gyms app. But after a while I just gave up. It wasn't the same and I really like taking the gym classes, the social aspect and getting feedback and help from the teachers. After that the pounds just started packing back on and I probably have now gained about 30lbs back. I feel like shit. I eat like shit so I feel like shit. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT" as the old people say. Who knew that could be so true.

Skip to now: The gyms here in NY have been open since end of Aug beginning of Sept and I have been at the gym regularly since. Some weeks are better then others. Like last week only went to the gym 2x last week, there was a lot of snow and I hate driving in it so I'm using that as my excuse. I have gotten in a better habit of, if I don't go to the gym I will do some yoga here at home. I really love yoga too, and yoga isn't exactly the increased heart rate exercise substitute but I feel good after doing it and its better then sitting on my ass playing Zelda on my switch. But weight loss isn't all about exercise and I think that is what I lost site of since trying to get back into it.

Weight loss is 90% diet and 10% exercise. By diet I don't mean KETO or Fasting or fad stuff like that, I mean eating healthy nutritious and filling food. I am really bad at that a lot of the time. I try really hard to pick healthy foods over a cheeseburger and fries and then I end up choosing the burger and fries anyway. I love salad, i know I'm a freak but a lot of the time i will choose salad over something else and then I go and mess it up by eating like shit or binging. I always do that to myself and i don't know why. I was doing so well in the beginning, I felt amazing and then I gained almost half of it back that's just so depressing and I still feel like shit.

Take last week as an example I lost 2lbs and then this week I go and gain almost 3.5lbs back. Like What the FUCKKK. What am I doing wrong. I count all my calories and I am trying to be brutally honest with myself and not leave anything out on purpose so I know what I am taking in. So far this year I've lost 5lbs and a loss is a loss. But I really want to prove to myself that I can lose at least 60lbs by my birthday in August. WHY 60? It is a reasonable and sustainable number that I wouldn't have to worry about doing anything drastic to lose it and not worry about gaining it back. I just keep psyching myself out. All the good I've done get erased by bad choices. I need the discipline to help me get to my goal. I don't know why I don't have it. I try really hard.

II made myself a little goal chart with rewards for when I hit each individual goal every 10lbs or so and I really hope this helps me achieve some discipline. The whole setting goals thing is actually new for me. I was never one to set goals, I am a day by day person but I think that helped my depression and anxiety flourish instead of make it go away. Weird right? Maybe I'll talk about that in another post on another day...

How do keep your discipline?

Why is losing weight so frustrating and easy for some people but not others?

How are your health goals going in general?

- I'll see you when I'm looking at you